GiGi My First part 1

   There is way too much drama in the life of Gigi...just sayin'. I am going to compress my relationship status’ that I have ever had into a post....or at least make an attempt at it. Don’t worry there aren’t that many. Unlike most gay men, I don’t sleep with every guy that has two legs and walks by. That’s just not me…I may flirt with them, but not normally have sex with them.

"Sometimes love is all that matter" ~Taylor

  

   2009 was the year that I had my first relationship. His name was Taylor; we both were doing the same internship and saw each other all the time. He was tall well built and very handsome. He had a crooked smile, the type that made you wonder what he was thinking, and dark eyes. I was the intern manager, so the first day I was made aware of how many interns there was going to be that year; 3 other interns. Two girls and one other guy. The first day I met the girls and later that day I was going to meet Taylor. I was kind of dreading it. I figured he would be tall and strong (aren’t they all?). I was right. At first I was a little intimidated. I was the smallest in stature. But it ended up not posing a problem. When I saw him, I thought he was straight, I mean straight. He was a country type boy who liked bikes, guns, and racing.

   I was the only intern, at that time, which lived on the property. So I would be there late working and every now and then Taylor would stay longer and help. I was very intent on finishing my jobs. Then I realized how HOT he was, and suggested we go canoeing after work. The property consisted of 150 acres, horses, ponds, canoes, ATVs, and so much more. He hopped onto the ATV and looked back waiting for me to jump onto the back of it…He was sooo HOT. We drove / speedily raced to the pond and proceeded to canoe. Let me paint the scenery for you. The Pond is surrounded by woods on three sides, on the forth is a clover field filled with scented purple flowers, the sun was setting and you could hear the bullfrogs chirping under the pond plants. It was really beautiful… Then it happened, that awkward silence that always appears when you both realize that you like the other person. OMG what do I do, I had never felt this way for someone before, especially someone who I thought was straight! So I did my usual, nothing, I did nothing.

Eventually we pulled the canoe back to the shore after jumping into the water and getting all wet. I couldn’t help but notice his great pecs under the shirt that was sticking to his body because of the water. We sat on top of one of the three picnic tables that surrounded the pond. We only brought one towel because we didn’t imagine that we would need any at all. The sun was setting and the temperature was getting colder. Because of my 2% body fat :P, I started shivering, So he put his towel over both of us. I was sooooo awkward. I mean seriously, I was soooo awkward. I tried not to touch his body with mine and looked the complete opposite direction toward the expanse to my right. The bullfrogs kept singing and it was nice. I looked over at him only to find him staring at me. When we looked at eachother, he smiled one of those smiles and leaned in to kiss me on my forehead. I couldn’t help but smile back. We got really close to having sex that night, by the pond, on top of a picnic table. But I was too afraid of it. I hadn’t ever admitted that I was gay to other people and was still a virgin. But I really wanted him.

~GiGi

LOVE

Okay so today, after work, I had planned on doing homework… I’m back in college- did I mention that… oh yea, I did… Instead, I started checking out other people’s blogs. Most of them have been about their love lives. So, I decided this blog would be about my feelings of love.

As I have mentioned before, I have never been in love. I have this slight feeling that I may never ever be in love… or no, I feel that one day I will fall in love. But, I don’t think I will ever get married. And, I’m okay with that. My feelings about marriage are this… why do you need a certificate to show someone how much you love them. Sometimes, I feel like people rush marriage, or that they stay married because it’s too expensive to get a divorce. At least that’s how it is for my father and stepmother right now. They are like to roommates, not lovers. It’s horrible having to listen to them both bicker.

I have never seen a “real” relationship. My mother divorced my father TWICE (lol- you have to laugh at that. It is kind of funny). When my two siblings and I were younger, she was in and out of relationships. She stayed with one man for quit awhile…. I hated him. Every morning he would wake up and say “good morning children.” We would have to respond to him by saying “good morning Captain Steve” (and this is how I will always remember this man). I hated him at that age, but then again I hated anyone that my mother was in “love” with. To be honest, I feel like every relationship my mother was in was about money, a place to stay, comfort, etc, etc.

My mother is actually a lesbian now and has been this way, with the same person, for about 9 years (I think). I hated this relationship with another woman when I was younger… but now I have come to except it. I know she would do the same for me in any relationship.

I don’t ever want to rush into marriage, nor do ever want be “stuck” in a marriage. My goal is to not be married before the age of thirty. Actually, I think I don’t want to ever get married. I can’t picture myself being in love with one person for the rest of my life. I love those first time jitters you have over someone when you first meet them, and can’t wait to see them again. I feel like I could lose this in a marriage… like we would get bored with each other. However, we would never divorce because it was an inconvenience- too expensive, or it might hurt the children. However, if you were never married in this first place, then it might be easier to just walk away. The n you have the chance of finding another love… and having those same jitters/feelings when you met someone new.

Some people believe that you have only one person that you will truly ever love… or is that just Hollywood’s portrayal of love? Or the church’s? We all go through life trying to find that one person we feel we can love forever… but is love what we should really be looking for. I know of two relationships where the couples are do not have that “romantic, fairytale/happy-ever-after” sort of love. They are just compatible or work well together. I guess you could almost think of it as a business-sort-of relationship.

I once met a woman, who told me that I should find someone who I am comfortable with… and that has a lot of money. This had been from a woman who was in her sixth marriage. She would only marry the man if he was rich. However, I must mention, this woman was not the kind of gold digger, money loving, “whore” you may have seen on tv. She was different. You could tell she was smart… not because she had tricked rich men into marrying her for their money. She was different and had a positive aura. I would think of her marriages as more of a business-relationship. She had worked hard with and for the men she had married. And I must mention here that this is not an example of the good/working relationship I spoke of above.

So… those are my feelings of love… for today.

And I hope that I do not offend anyone by these thoughts… for they are my own. And for every that is married, engaged, in love, looking for love… or whatever… the best of luck to you. <3

And I have no doubt that everyone that reads this will think that these thoughts will change once I find “true” love… best of luck to me then.

CC

a new year... starting off wrong

So my New Years was a little crazy. I ended up really drunk at some bar with some friends of a friend. We were outside, when I saw this hot, tall guy I decided to ask him to dance (he actually had to remind me that I did this). We made-out on the dance floor and I gave him my number. A couple days later, he text me, asked me for my name because he wanted to facebook  friend me. I asked him for his name because I was not sure who it was…. And I wanted to check him out first. Funny thing is I accidentally facebooked the wrong person because I forgot what he looked like. I have the tendency to not look and study a person’s face when I am drunk. So, finally I did find the right guy…. After that, New Years man would initiate dialogue by either texting me or instant messaging me through FB (Facebook). I was really hesitant about him, because some of the things he would say were very “stocker-ish.” He wanted to meet me in person and I agreed. So we set up a time and place… which ended up being on his birth day. So I brought three of my friends with me and we went to his place. I was really nervous that night because I knew that the night could either end up being really bad, i.e. lots of awkward silence… or it could go really well. We showed up at his place and meet his friends/roommate… none of which (except one) were going our that night because it was a school night. I sat down in this really big chair and New Year’s boy sat down on the arm.. and we talked… and their was no awkward silence the entire night. We seemed to just “click.” he was easy to talk to, so much that we basically had our own conversation the rest of the night. We both had had the same before thoughts about meeting each other, whether the night would just be awkward or not. We had things in common, such as the love of outdoors and plants. I work at a greenhouse and he wanted to start his own landscaping company. It was weird… I have never met anyone like that. So we (new year’s boy and myself), my friends, and his one friend, went to the bar. New Year’s boy and I hung out like we had known each other for longer than one night. I ended up staying with him that night for two reasons: (1)the friend I was suppose to stay with that night had gone home early and I was not about to drive home and (2)I felt comfortable with the boy, that something more than just one date might happen. So I stayed with him, did not have sex with him.. did some other things though. And we cuddled together like we were a couple. He drove me to my friends house the next day and asked me to hangout with him that weekend

So where is the problem??

He has not really talked to me since.

I texted him later that day and he told me he missed my text because he was sleeping. After that, I texted him once or twice during the week and he did not really respond.

So I deleted his phone number from my phone so that I can no longer text him. He will have to intiate conversation.

The question is WTF? Did he plan all this out? Or is he still stuck up on his old girlfriend. Because his friend told me and my friend told me (idk who told her this) that New Year’s boy had just gotten out of a long relationship… in the beginning of December I think. So is he still stuck on her or was he just using me.

Either way it sucks because it was the very first time that I had felt like something good could actually happen between myself and a  boy. With other boys, I have either dated them because they like me or they had potential to be a BF but I “ran.” There are times where I have liked a guy, then if I feel that he starts to like me, I come up with reasons as to why I do not like him. Then I stop talking to him and he stops talking to me and I figure out that I like him….. and basically it just sucks. I have always been afraid of a real relationship. For once I had thought that I had something… someone that I could actually have a real relationship with. Someone that I was comfortable with, had things in common with. The boy was hot and tall (two things that are hard to find… and I need a tall guy because I am tall).

But maybe things ended this way because I am not yet destined to have a relationship. Maybe I would have messed it up (as I usually do) if he had not messed it up first.

There are so many thoughts I have about this… all I know is that one day I would really like to experience what it is like to be in love… b/c even at the age of 22, I have yet to experience this.

Beginings

GiGi-

            My name is GiG (AKA awesome ninja monkey???)…Not really, I  just felt like saying that. I come from a large Italian family, all of whom are devout Christians. Here is my dilemma, I am gay…As you can imagine, this does not taste so great to my family. Most of them don’t know that I am gay except my parents, one of my brothers, and one of my sisters. When I told my parents that I was gay, my mother cried and left the room and my father suggested that I see a shrink…I did not go to that appointment. In my mind, I am who I am. If you don’t like it then you don’t have to know me. This sounds harsh, but oh well. I am a college student that way too much drama in my life, I don’t know if I do this to myself on purpose or not. Regardless. CC and I met through work, and have become AMAZING best friends. We both like men, but aren’t in competition. This is a good thing, because if we were, I would lose! I mean, if I were straight, I would have to marry her…Just sayin’. I really want this blog to be my encomium of my life. Feel free to tell my that my life sucks and how stupid I am sometimes, but you are also allowed to tell me that I am not the craziest person in the world. Well, I am very crazy, and I don’t think that is entirely a bad thing. I also just realized that I really need to define paragraphs when I write. Oh well, there is a reason why I am better at Math rather than English.

CC-

So right now i would day that GiGi and I are at a critical point in our lives. so many choices we have to make. both of us are around the age of 20. Between college, careers, relationships, family, trying to be independent but still feeling like (or wanting to be) a child...life it tough. Every decision that we make now will effect us later in life-adulthood.

            Ps- I have decided that I don’t care if I am ever grammatically incorrect

Anyways, this is the most critical point in our lives…yet also the most exciting. And that is why I wanted to start this blog. I want to hear what other people have to say. I want to keep my identity a secret so that I am not afraid to share anything/everything… no raunchy stuff though.

I have a lot of questions about guys, school/careers (I am in my third year of college and still have no idea what I am doing… will go into details later), work and whatever else.

             So… basically, I was “ugly” and shy in high school… or so I thought. Then I went to college and something happened. I really don’t know what though.. I can tell that I have definitely become less shy. My appearance also changed. I started off with black hair.. a little on the chubby side (sort of)… and drinking made me a little more open/social. I started drinking my senior year of high school almost every weekend.. my friends and I started getting hit on by guys that hardly or never talked to us…. So maybe things changed b/c of alcohol… and my becoming more social. So, in college I continued going out every weekend. This is when I met the HOTTEST guy in college. He was like the dream guy, the popular guys, the hot guy, that I had always wanted attention from but never got it. He was captain of the lacrosse team, president of a fraternity, extremely sweet, sexy body and had the cutest grin. I was amazed that he even started talking to me…. And we ended up hooking up one night. Then, a girl he was no longer seeing, but she still liked him, bitched me out. Called me a bitch, told me I was ugly and that the guy never and would never like me. I played it off like it meant nothing but it did. And because of her, I stopped seeing the guy. I wish I would have gotten the chance to know what would have happened to us.

            There were not many guys after that… or I stopped trying. With every guy that I meet…so far it has been this way… I have pushed him away, or dated him for the wrong reason. My first boyfriend in high school,  I only dated him because he liked me. I did not like him and was afraid of telling him this. After one month of dating, he told me that he loved me. I said nothing. I hardly talked to him after that… and we split. I am sorry that I did this.

            My first summer home from high school, I met another guy. I am going to be honest. We hooked up at a party, where I got really drunk, and woke up to him having sex with me. I felt stupid that I had gotten that drunk, pretended like I had meant for that to happen. I gave him my number and he started texting me. I felt like I had to see him so I did not look like a slut. We hung out that summer… it was basically about sex, music and alcohol. He really did not care about me. We just got drunk together… at times I got too drunk… went to a couple of (really) good concerts… and had sex. It was terrible. The guy did take me to dinner once, but it was not a real relationship. When I went back to college for my sophomore year, I stopped talking to him. nothing really happened with guys my sophomore year…. For reasons I may reveal later but not now.

            I did not return to college my third year… I took a year off for personal/family issues… may tell later. During that year (2009), I basically cut myself off from the world, my old high school friends, my family… everyone. Except for this one girl at work… who I partied with all the time. It was a bad year for me.

             But now things have changed… A LOT! I am reconnected with old friends, new friends and family. I am starting to date/ “play” the field for the first time. And its kinda scary. I am busy with so many things: school, work, friends, boys. I love it!

            And so this some small history. I am kind of sick of typing for now…. Will hopefully have more later